On Me and This

I don’t expect anyone to read this.

I’m not going to share it anywhere, not going to advertise it, not going to tell anybody about the existence of this blog.

But for some reason something feels different about writing here than it might if I was writing in a private diary. The possibility that somebody could stumble upon it – or that some future contrivance could lead to this being read – forces me to think more carefully about what I write, to properly think through what is going on in my head, and to structure my thoughts properly.

That is what this is for, its a structured outlet for my mind, an opportunity for me to explore ideas and issues I face without needing the constant validation and support of others, a way for me to feel like I have vented, like I have shared and to try and lift the total dependence I have upon those I love and process some of my issues in a more self-contained manner.

This blog is going to be an experiment to see if just writing something down, as though trying to explain it to someone, can provide at least some of the function that talking through an issue does for me.

So here I am, writing this, it is just past midnight, and I sit at my computer typing out the first – and quite possibly last – post of this blog.

I am a young adult, I lived my childhood as a boy and although it is now much more cloudy and uncertain than it has been in the past I am going to hesitantly define myself as a man, this, along with many other topics I am going to breeze past in this post, is a topic I am likely to revisit, assuming of course I don’t grow immediately bored with this experiment.

I am queer, dyspraxic, anxious and paranoid, aspects that have at periods of my life felt like they define me.

Now, I am depressed.

That is what I am making this blog for. This blog is going to be me – in theory – and at the moment, I am depressed, and depressed is me.

To rephrase in a less gratuitous way, being depressed is currently the aspect of myself that feels the most impactful upon my life. How I feel, what I do, and who I am all feel like they rest upon the central pillar upon which is written, in large text and using the font “Trajan”, “My Depression”. A pillar is perhaps not the most apt metaphor, implying that its sudden removal would cause everything else to come crashing down, but at the same time disturbingly accurate, my life is built around depression; I make almost all of my decisions based around my depression, either to try and aid in my recovery, or occasionally in order to sabotage it.

As such, the main focus of this blog will be my mental health, but I don’t want it to just be that, I hope to properly explore a lot of different facets of my life here, and despite how I often feel, I am not defined by my depression, just as much as in the past I was not defined by my sexuality, anxiety or any other singular aspect.

I’m going to leave this first post at that, a simple introduction, I don’t know what format this blog is generally going to take, but I’m going to let it evolve on its own and see what happens.

Thank you for not reading,

-Self Insert Character