So it returns

It’s back. Doesn’t mean much in the context of this blog, given during its absence I never visited this blog, but now it returns, and thus so do I.

The last five months have been good. Actually good. Relative to the preceding 4 years, they have been fucking fantastic. An upwards trajectory, space to breathe, an opportunity to figure out who I am, for the first time in years.

But now it is back. I knew it would return, the road to recovery is bumpy, nobody has said that more than me over the last 5 months, I suppose a way to prepare myself for an inevitable relapse, and an attempt to preempt my equally inevitable terror that this is it, that I had my chance at happiness, and now Im sad again, and this is it, for the rest of my life.

I want to die, again. I would say it is surprising how fast I came back to that conclusion, but it’s really not, I have known at the back of my mind the entire time that suicidal thoughts are far too imprinted into my mind. Even while happy, seeing a car whizz by, a steep drop only a couple steps away, a pile of pills that would likely kill me, my first thought is: “Huh, I could kill myself, should I?” My response while happy is largely, “Uh, shut up brain, no I do not, ” but now, now that the misery has returned, now that the pit opens up beneath me once again, now my response is once again an internal debate on the merits of life and death, an equation of misery that has always concluded that life is just about the option to choose.

For now.

This is probably just a blip, a moment of misery, a quick drop in an overall positive trajectory. But it may not be, and that possibility terrifies me. I do not want to die, I want to die about as much as the average person does, but I want to spend another four years in excruciating misery even less, so I conclude that that is the trajectory I am heading it, maybe I need to re-evaluate that equation.

-SelfInsertCharacter